I don’t think I’ve ever written this down, but I am so scared of dying. I’m not afraid of the feeling itself, but of having this life end. Of having no more chances left. What if I haven’t done enough? What if the scale tips more toward the side of the bad deeds? I am so scared of running out of time and my good deeds not being enough.
I’m so scared that it’s hard just writing this down. I don’t even want to think about it. When I think about running out of time, I think of all of the time that I WASTE in my life, watching Running Man, High School Musical, listing out my favorite K-pop singers…. I enjoy it all so much, but what will enjoyment really get me in the end? I know it’s not worth sacrificing my afterlife, but in the moment, I can’t seem to hold back.
I hate having to evaluate my whole life and seeing all of its flaws. When I imagine trying to eliminate my flaws, all of the time-wasting activities I do, and replacing them with ibadah and learning, I just don’t want to do it. It’s too overwhelming. Right now, I like my life the way it is and I don’t want the better, flawless life.
But I want to want it. I want to feel satisfied with a life of learning, volunteering, and worship. I want to feel that soothing feeling I get when I listen to music when I hear the Qur’an. But I can’t. At the point I am at right now, I can’t feel the desire.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my age, and that as I grow older, I’ll grow out of this and feel satisfied without the K-pop and cute boys and pointless comedy. I’ll mature, and desire the more enriching life. That’s where the fear of dying early comes from. What if I lose my life, my time, before I grow up?
The scarier question: what if it’s not about growing up? What if it’s just me? What if this is who I am and this love of the unimportant doesn’t fade away? Then I’m just afraid of myself. And the thought of changing myself is just too overwhelming.
There are still some words and worries that I’m too afraid to say. Because the part of the fear is that if I say it, it will come true.