Fear of Dying

I don’t think I’ve ever written this down, but I am so scared of dying. I’m not afraid of the feeling itself, but of having this life end. Of having no more chances left. What if I haven’t done enough? What if the scale tips more toward the side of the bad deeds? I am so scared of running out of time and my good deeds not being enough.

I’m so scared that it’s hard just writing this down. I don’t even want to think about it. When I think about running out of time, I think of all of the time that I WASTE in my life, watching Running Man, High School Musical, listing out my favorite K-pop singers…. I enjoy it all so much, but what will enjoyment really get me in the end? I know it’s not worth sacrificing my afterlife, but in the moment, I can’t seem to hold back.

I hate having to evaluate my whole life and seeing all of its flaws. When I imagine trying to eliminate my flaws, all of the time-wasting activities I do, and replacing them with ibadah and learning, I just don’t want to do it. It’s too overwhelming. Right now, I like my life the way it is and I don’t want the better, flawless life.

But I want to want it. I want to feel satisfied with a life of learning, volunteering, and worship. I want to feel that soothing feeling I get when I listen to music when I hear the Qur’an. But I can’t. At the point I am at right now, I can’t feel the desire.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s just my age, and that as I grow older, I’ll grow out of this and feel satisfied without the K-pop and cute boys and pointless comedy. I’ll mature, and desire the more enriching life. That’s where the fear of dying early comes from. What if I lose my life, my time, before I grow up?

The scarier question: what if it’s not about growing up? What if it’s just me? What if this is who I am and this love of the unimportant doesn’t fade away? Then I’m just afraid of myself. And the thought of changing myself is just too overwhelming.

There are still some words and worries that I’m too afraid to say. Because the part of the fear is that if I say it, it will come true.

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2 thoughts on “Fear of Dying

  1. chromseconds says:

    I understand how you feel. It’s easier to take other temporary routes of pleasure rather than surrendering to God. Love, drugs, food…these are all physical things with very real results. But since we can’t see God, taking the religious path seems mysterious and uncertain. The uncertainty makes you question the journey. Will I really find true happiness here? What if I’m doomed to be a sinner? Am I even looking at the right path?

    I know you’re not feeling it, and I’m not pious myself, so I’ll give you some wordly advice that might apply to your situation: when I sit around and think about changing, I ponder too much and become paralyzed with fear. For example, I wanted to stop being shy in high school. Didn’t work out so well because I had the desire to stop but when opportunities to break out of my shell arrived, I didn’t take the chance. In college, one day I decided that I was going to answer questions in my precalculus class, which extended into talking to participating in my public speaking class, which furthermore extended into me conversing with a member of the opposite gender without having a panic attack. And thanks to all those risks, my shyness has faded away.

    Since you have no control of the outcomes, you might as well develop some willpower and take a leap of faith.

  2. Aamina says:

    This is a VERY valid fear. It’s so real it’s scary. So the question for you is if you want to want to change your focus in life, why not take baby steps towards is? Would it benefit you to just agonize over it and not do anything about it? The fear of dying will never go away. The fear of not having enough time will never go away. However, you can always do your best to make the most of the time you have. Go ahead and watch movies and do your k-pop thing, but do that in addition to advancing yourself religiously. Once you take that walking step towards God, He will take 10 running steps towards you, Insha-Allah.

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