So…I’m not going to lie. I had kind of a meltdown today.
In theory, this should have been a really good day. In the morning, I was going to go with my mom and my grandma to send in some clothes that needed stitching. We would spend a couple of hours there and then make it home in time to pray Duhr, read Qur’an, and then watch the USA vs. Belgium game – the game I was most looking forward to in this Round of 16. After that, I would pray Asr, read more Qur’an, then my family and I would go to the mosque for a class followed by iftar. It was perfect. I would get quite a few things done, keeping busy enough that the fasting would go by quickly.
I shouldn’t have expected for things to go as planned.
What I had assumed would just be a quick visit to the tailor’s ended up being hours of looking at fabrics and clothes and potential Eid outfits, and a lot of talking in Urdu while I just sat on the side not understanding a single word of what was taking place. By the time we got in the car to leave, the USA vs. Belgium game had already started.
You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m a soccer fan. Normally, I don’t watch sports. Ask any of my friends and they’ll all tell you that I’m far from a sports fanatic. Soccer, however, is my favorite sport, both to play and to watch. And the World Cup only happens once every four years. This is my one chance to be included in the sports world.
I tried downloading the app to watch the game in the car. Didn’t work. I tried listening to the play by play on the radio, but it just made me even more bitter about not being able to watch the game myself.
As the minutes ticked by, I could feel myself getting more and more irritated. This World Cup drama coupled with my already being tired from the trip and having to answer to not just my mom but also my grandma all morning, I had just had enough.
I knew that it was because of the fasting. I knew as soon as I felt that spark of irritation inside me that I was overreacting because I wasn’t properly nourished. I literally spent the entire nearly hour-long car ride trying to combat the victimizing thoughts with the rationalization that it was just the hunger.
It didn’t help. When we finally got home, I made a beeline for my room and shut myself inside. It was the middle of halftime, but I didn’t even want to watch the game anymore. I felt undervalued and overlooked and I just wanted to lie in my bed, blast some K-pop in my headphones, and think of nothing. But I couldn’t listen to K-pop. One of my goals this Ramadan is to go the whole month without listening to music. That added even more to my distress.
And as much as I don’t want to admit it, as embarrassing as it is to say, knowing that my friends and family will be reading this post, I’ll be honest. I cried. For much longer than I’d like to admit.
It’s amazing how the feeling of an empty stomach can make you feel so vulnerable and weak. It was just a game, but the lack of energy to control my mind made it so much bigger than it really was. My mind went from missing yet another good game to not having my agendas taken seriously to feeling ashamed about caring so much about a stupid game to wishing I could just forget about all my goals and indulge and indulge and indulge in my guilty pleasures.
As I prayed Duhr and read Qur’an, I prayed and prayed for God to bring me peace inside and convince my mind that this was nothing, and even up until the sixth page of Qur’an I wasn’t calm. But Allah really does answer our prayers. I finished the seventh page with silent tears escaping my eyes, but by the end of the eight page, I felt at peace. I checked online, and the score was 0-0, with 20 minutes still left in the game.
I didn’t miss anything. USA lost, but they played an exciting overtime.
As much as I still want to, I still haven’t broken my K-pop fast. Alhamdulillah, I was able to end the day with a trip to the mosque, the first mosque trip of the month, and was reunited with family and friends who I hadn’t seen in a very long time.
My second test of patience, and God was right there with me. Alhamdulillah.
*IFTAR PICTURE OF THE DAY*