Ramadan Log Day 1: Feeling Oddly Unproductive

Naps! Naps are what will make this world go round.

At least that’s what I think will keep me going this month. Fatigue was my biggest concern going into today, and I was definitely feeling it. I went to bed later than planned last night – but that’s normal – and I unexpectedly felt a little sick after suhoor and had a hard time going back to sleep, resulting in me feeling like a zombie as I got ready for work in the morning. (I’m not sick, alhamdulillah. It was just because of something I ate.)

What made it all better was my naps. I have a couple of hours off throughout the day, and during that time I come back home. While I usually spend the breaks on my laptop, checking social media and whatnot, today I spent it sleeping. And it felt so good. I think I found a potential pattern for my Mondays and Wednesdays. When I’m not at work, I sleep.

I still had the music-free car rides to deal with. My commute home ranges from an hour to an hour and a half, and that is usually my me time in which I plug in my phone and listen to my songs. I considered going strictly instrumental today and pulling up some Lindsey Sterling, but I decided to wait until I was really desperate for that. So I simply rode in silence.

And you know what? Driving for an hour in total silence really forces your mind to think. Here is a little snippet of what my stream of consciousness came up with:

Today is such a beautiful day. If I wasn’t so terrified of bugs and animals I would have spent my off-time lying outside in the sun. Speaking of the sun, I hope I tan soon. Not because I’m unsatisfied with my skin color, but having a tanned face at least gives me the illusion of still being that sporty girl I was as a kid. Plus my sandals give my feet these cool tattoo-like tan lines. Sidenote: A green tea latte would be lovely right about now. Oh look, a Starbucks…wait I’m fasting…Oh no, watch out. That’s a biker. Why did my country have to make bike-riding so damn dangerous? You’re not allowed to bike on the sidewalk if there’s a bike lane, but the bike lane disappears and reappears randomly and is basically in the middle of the moving cars anyway. I hate driving around bikes.

There was more, but I’ll save those thoughts for another day. 🙂

Despite the fast going pretty normally, alhamdulillah, I still have this unsettling feeling.

I felt so useless being at work – which may seem a little paradoxical. I’m so used to being at home and taking care of things at home. Spending all day at work felt like I was wasting my whole day. I’m sure that’s not something you hear everyday. I don’t know. I’m weird.

My mind was just filled with all of these possibilities of things I could be doing without my entertainment to distract me. Organizing my room. Spring cleaning. Writing those novels I’ll probably never publish. Getting this whole grad school thing sorted out. I thrive off of creating, but for the past few months I’ve just been consuming. By cutting off my consumption this month, I am now remembering all of the creative things I used to do and how I long to start those projects again. But I wasn’t able to do any of that in between working and sleeping.

I also really missed reading Qur’an today. During my off-time I managed to read a couple of pages, and I read a bunch when I came home at the end of the day, but it wasn’t the same. I’m used to spending nearly 20 minutes after every prayer reading Qur’an, and it felt like I was just barely squeezing in ten minutes throughout the whole day. I didn’t even read hardly at all after Fajr because I was feeling so sick.

I’m not used to being so unproductive.

Today was just the first day. Mondays are always hard, even when I’m not fasting. I know today was an adjusting day, so I won’t let it change my attitude for the entire month. There was a moment earlier today where I felt this burst of energy and excitement at what I will experience this month, and that is the feeling of the day that I’m holding on to.

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