#AtoZChallenge Day 21: Uncertainty

U is for Uncertainty


One of the things that makes me most uncomfortable is uncertainty. And at this stage of my life, practically everything about my future is uncertain.

Education Level. Job. Method of Transportation. Relationship Status. Income. Appearance.

I honestly cannot picture what any of it will look like.

A year ago, a teacher asked me to imagine myself five years from now. I couldn’t do it for the life of me. Then he asked me to imagine myself ten years from now, and that one was surprisingly much easier. Because ten years from now, I hope that all of the uncertainty will be sorted out and I’ll have the life I imagine “real adult me” having.

The next five years I feel will be a perpetual “sorting out” phase where I’ll have no idea which way is up except that image of my 30-something year old self.

Sipping tea. Taking care of the kids. Writing my next novel. InshaAllah.

Until then, who the hell knows.


Blogging from A to Z Day 23: What Do You REALLY Want?

W is for “What Do You REALLY Want?”


Since I started college, this is a question people keep asking me. In terms of my career, I keep being told to do what I really want to do.

“Don’t limit yourself.” That’s another one I get a lot. Directly, from my family. Indirectly, from society. As in, don’t just settle with something that you aren’t really interested in.

It’s funny because I don’t buy that the people who say this really mean it. Really? You really think I should just do what I want?

It turns out, when I venture out and tell people what I do genuinely want to do, my answers are suddenly not good enough.

I want to be a psychologist, more specifically a therapist.

But, what do I really want to do? If I didn’t settle on psychology, what would I have wanted to do?

I want to be a film-maker, or at least a film-critic.

More than that? I want to be a full-time blogger.

More than that? I want to be a novelist.

More than all of that put together, I just want to be a mom. I want take care of my family.

Notice that the farther I get into the “what do you really want” question, the farther from practicality I am. The farther from a steady income I am. I know that money isn’t everything, but it is pretty important. Money = food + housing.

Back when I was a freshman, undecided on my major, my academic adviser told me to think about what I really loved, or what I really wanted to do as a career. Go into the field that I have passion in. Well, that’s great for my morale, but in terms of advising me on what career to choose – how I am going to make my¬†living – was that really the best advice? Because if we’re talking about what I am really passionate about, I will have no way of making an income.

People ask me all the time what I really want, but I don’t think my answer is what they were expecting to hear.